A Wandering Cleric

Writing about PTSD.

2010-01-07T12:30:00.002-06:00

What I now understand to be PTSD as impacted every aspect of my life. Originally I had great difficulty understanding PTSD. Every description of PTSD symptoms seemed "normal" to me. The PTSD symptom described as "reduced life expectation" seemed odd to me.

For example I was surprised, lost (and possibly disappointed) when I lived past 40. I wasn't expecting that nor had I planned for it. After all that had been my assumption about life as long as I remember.

Since I'm normal (isn't everyone) that must be normal as well. Right? Apparently not.

Contemplating a dream.

2009-08-24T21:06:00.001-05:00

I've long dreamed of writing. Perhaps non-fiction, possibly allegorical fiction over straight fiction. Several people have encouraged me to write about my experiences. (I've my own prejudices about those who write about themselves to sort out before I try that!)

Don't know if I will ever actually write a book but I've found something which might help. It's called FastPencil take a look at it. It's at least a (more or less) constructive way to spend time. Who knows you might the next great American theological book!

Acknowledging PTSD

2009-08-21T22:03:00.001-05:00

In 1986 I returned to the States after 4 years in Somalia. I have grieved that for 20+years. I only came back because I was ill. My first desire was to return to Africa. However events intervened. Part of the PTSD diagnosis comes from the events Somalia which made it difficult for me to fit into US culture. I'm told combat veterans report the same issue. Although I'm uncomfortable comparing my experience with theirs.

The guilt of not going back caused me to cut off contact with friends from that time. Well American and Dutch friends all but one of my Somali co-workers was killed in the civil war. Even though it raises my anxiety level I'm working to make contact with some of those friends. I'll even drag out the photos and try to connect names with faces and dredge some names up out of my memory.

Distracted pastor

2009-07-20T23:17:00.000-05:00

It is late, I have a funeral tomorrow and should be completing preparations, yet I am stuck in reflection. I've been applying to CPE programs which as me stressed. I am fascinated with the mythos CPE seems to carry. Friday I was my first interview; it was not enjoyable.

My service of Death and Resurrection

2008-08-01T15:07:00.004-05:00

Ministers are called to guide and assist people through many spiritually challenging life events. The most common is death of a loved one. Due to recent conversations and events I decided it would be useful to share this pastor's hopes for his service of Death and Resurrection.

It's a worship service, so worship! No, not me, worship God. A funeral is a time to worship God(well so is a wedding but try convincing the bride's mother). I want myfuneral to celebrate God's love and caring for all humanity, includingme. Worship connects us with God. The greatest healing for grief andthe best source for answers to our questions of life and death is God.If the service held for me does not connect people with God it failed it's primary task.
Sing like you mean it. Every person I have served as pastor will tell you: "Norman cannot sing!" However I still know the power of musing and song. So sing of sorrow, sing of hope, sing to and about God. Please no dragging songs, play them fast and sing them with fire, make it rock!
Did I mention a funeral is a worship service? There will be communion. It will be open to any follower of Jesus. Sometimes I fear the only events which pull Christians of all denominations, theological and political stripes together are funerals.
While on the subject of drawing people together please make everyone comfortable. My life has intersected with people of many nationalities, religions, life styles and political persuasions. Please go out of your way to make them welcome. A truly "Christian" service of Death and Resurrection should be a powerful witness to our trust in God and to God's love of us.
Laugh, grief is appropriate when we have lost a loved one but it is not the only emotion our loved one's inspire in us. I have done things worthy of laughter and when I'm gone you can laugh without hurting my feelings. If God used my life to touch yours celebrate the gift from God of my life. I hope the fellowship meal is full of stories, laughter and celebration.
Now, about those memorials. No brass plaques, I mean it! Okay, one on the memorial board but that is all! Seriously, if my life inspires people to give to God then I hope the gifts will be used for ministry. I expect the church leadership to use any funds or other gifts wisely in service to God and those God loves. If the church receives a physical gift in memory use it well and throw it away when it is worn out.

There you have my preferences for my service of Death and Resurrection. I hope it is clear the service should be about God not me. Oh, and feel free to start without me. I plan to be late.

Ripples of depression

2008-04-13T20:07:00.003-05:00

Today I realized how deeply depression has impacted my life. That looks like foolish statement as depression for all the damage it does is also amazingly subtle. I thought I was doing well and I guess I was--compared to how bad it was a few years ago.

Currently I'm taking part in an intensive leadership development program. The material is very good as is the group. The books are challenging and hopeful. I wish I was confident I can implement what I am learning in my church.

A suspicion began growing as I considered the books we have read, the video we have watched and the discussions we have held. What, I wondered, is wrong with me that I have not, perhaps cannot, feel the way these people do, take the risks they do or meet conflict and challenges with the optimism and courage they do. Many (many) years ago I felt as these people do. I could challenge established patterns with confidence. I felt hope and could encourage others to hope.

That was in Somalia dealing with (seemingly) overwhelming numbers of refugees trapped in a political, military and bureaucratic nightmare. After illness forced my return to the States I've lost that confidence. And I'm stuck in what often seems a nightmare; a low paying position with little hope of advancement.

Practical Spirituality: A Blog by Wes Eades: Another Quote from Gerald May

2008-03-25T22:24:00.000-05:00

Wes introduced me to a very interesting and valuable insight from Gerald May.
Practical Spirituality: A Blog by Wes Eades: Another Quote from Gerald May
We Christians and the Church would be much better off if we spent some time each day reflecting on that insight.

Deep Change

2008-03-04T21:23:00.003-06:00

Just started reading Deep Change. Compelling reading, how do we apply it in the small rural church? I need to think on this (and finish the book).

Well it's official.

2007-09-27T23:03:00.000-05:00

This week my oldest son and I received our ADHD prescriptions. Seems an odd thing to share. At least Cindi is vindicated as the only "normal" one in the house!

The first day was pretty good. He did markedly better at school-------in the morning. The Crash came at lunch. Today was not as good.

I'll post about our ADHD journey from time to time.

A new challenge

2007-09-16T12:57:00.000-05:00

Something new happening. We are dealing with the challenges of growth. Currently we have 23 kids on Sunday morning, up 20 from last year. My little church is finding itself challenged to find room for them.

What a good problem to have!

A reasonably good day

2007-01-04T16:13:00.000-06:00

While evaluations and other forms of feedback invariably raise my anxiety level to dangerous levels I still had a good day----mostly. Once I got the dangerous thoughts out of my head, at least they stopped dominating my thoughts.

Truth is, I should be doing something else. But at 56 with large bills and no savings I'm likely stuck. Plus with the lingering depression, even though I'm much better, I feel like damaged goods.

Still today wasn't bad.

Changing my mind.

2007-01-03T20:41:00.000-06:00

Some time back I considered "coming out of the closet" by using my name instead of a pseudonym. Nothing came of it because depression came roaring back (can depression roar). I wasn't good for much for several months. Now with the depression largely controlled I've decided I need to maintain plausible deniability (assuming actual anonymity is impossible). Events have lead me to realize I have more MAJOR issues. While a blog is a poor substitue for a close friend or even a counselor it is a way to get my thoughts "on paper" and out in the open.

So for the forseeable future, I'm still the WanderingCleric.

I hate cancelling worship.

2006-12-30T19:33:00.000-06:00

I hate cancelling worship. It seems irresponsible. There is a part of me which feels we should gather with God no matter the weather.

Still ice is no respecter of day so there will be no worship at my churches tomarrow.

The boys and I are at my wife's parsonage, about 85 miles from home. I called a parishoner about the weather. After several phone conversations it was decided to cancel worship for tomarrow.

2006-11-19T17:37:00.000-06:00

Just upgraded to the latest Kubuntu linux. Managed to lose my passwords and mail. Would have sworn I backed those up. mutter mutter mutter

Considering going public.

2006-09-01T19:27:00.000-05:00

This started as a safe place to vent. But how can you vent if no one is listening? But then I haven't posted much either. Now after two (not one but two) serious computer crashes I'm back. I actually had to Google search for my blog!

debating with one's self

2006-06-23T22:47:00.000-05:00

Me, myself and I are in the midst of a long and intense debate. The core issue is whether to continue in the pastorate or leave. Complicating issues include supporting my family, sending my kids to school, my faith, depression, anxiety just to name a few.

The sad truth: I don't leap out of bed eager to get at the work. Honestly I'm not certain I've felt that way since I left Somalia 20 years ago. I don't like feeling this way. I feel I've let my family down, my God down, and myself down. I hate it.

This all could "simply" be the cumulative effects of the health issues I've faced over the last few years.

Sometimes I wonder.........

2006-06-01T09:27:00.000-05:00

Came across this while surfing: http://www.cerias.purdue.edu/weblogs/pmeunier/policies-law/post-38/.

Basically a computer security person playing (more or less) good samaritan is arrested for discovering a vulnerable and reporting it to the site owner. The narrow-mindedness and foolishness of USC's behavior leaves me shaking my head.

Remember no good deed goes unpunished.

Peace
NTP

Warning: Stream of thought writing ahead.

2006-04-18T21:50:00.000-05:00

Today, as certain days do, reminded me how poor I am in some areas of interpersonal communicaiton. Right now I look forward to retiring (when I can afford it in 30 to 40 years) moving out into the country and not dealing with people. It's just too damm hard.

I was reminded that I talk too freely, trust too much and think out loud far too often. It gets me in trouble every time. A good friend (my wife) gave me very good advice and a very clear assessment regarding certain strengths and (mostly) certain weaknesses. Good though her advice and assessment is I'd rather move into the hills or work in the refugee camps again.

Today I'm willing to admit I regret accepting God's call, at least in this manner. I suspect I'd be happier and serve better in a far different situation.

Thanks for letting me vent. Perhaps I'll have clearer insight tomarrow.

Reflections on humanity

2005-09-03T09:22:00.000-05:00

We have seen some of the best and some of the worst of humanity and Americans. Non of that should surprise anyone. Civility has always been a thin veneer easily peeled away. In my experience only a deep and continous connection with God provides the strength to maintain "civilized" behavior in the face of disaster, despair and destruction.

I'm back

2005-07-07T11:04:00.000-05:00

Following a major crash which ate all my files. I'm finally back.

Hello?

Is anyone here.

Oh, well. I'm here.

Rhetorical question

2005-03-15T23:24:00.000-06:00

What is it with partisan politicans and radio lackeys in this country? Shortly after the election I refered to Democrats AND Republicans as "Pharisees and Saducees" both claim moral (and occasionaly) religious high ground and both are more interested in political and economic power.

The longer I listen the more correct that assesment feels.

back in the saddle

2005-03-07T23:12:00.000-06:00

Well I'm back in the webmaster saddle. I hadn't planned to do it but when the DS asks you to (and you secretly wanted to anyway) I just had to go for it.

I'll be working on the Northeast Nebraska district's website. It's a mess right now so give me a few days or a week. The link is

G'night all.

edit: How interesting Blogger is not showing the link. Here it is in plain text: http://www.gbgm-umc.org/northeastneb/

TWC

OSMinistry Forum -> Blogging Pastors/Ministers

2005-02-06T18:30:00.000-06:00

OSMinistry Forum -> Blogging Pastors/Ministers
Gee maybe I should publish this blog instead of keeping it private?

writer's block

2005-01-26T15:50:00.000-06:00

Why is that when it is time to put pen to paper (fingers to keyboard) all useful thoughts vanish?

The election

2004-11-03T08:34:00.000-06:00

"Monday, November 01, 2004"
Ah yes the election. I was tempted to write in Wesley and Augustine but they weren't US citizens.

Testing testing 1 2 3

2004-11-01T23:05:00.000-06:00

Testing BlogThis! for Firefox.

Set up

2004-11-01T22:49:00.000-06:00

I should be writing answers to essay questions. This simply seems more fun.