Today I realized how deeply depression has impacted my life. That looks like foolish statement as depression for all the damage it does is also amazingly subtle. I thought I was doing well and I guess I was--compared to how bad it was a few years ago.
Currently I'm taking part in an intensive leadership development program. The material is very good as is the group. The books are challenging and hopeful. I wish I was confident I can implement what I am learning in my church.
A suspicion began growing as I considered the books we have read, the video we have watched and the discussions we have held. What, I wondered, is wrong with me that I have not, perhaps cannot, feel the way these people do, take the risks they do or meet conflict and challenges with the optimism and courage they do. Many (many) years ago I felt as these people do. I could challenge established patterns with confidence. I felt hope and could encourage others to hope.
That was in Somalia dealing with (seemingly) overwhelming numbers of refugees trapped in a political, military and bureaucratic nightmare. After illness forced my return to the States I've lost that confidence. And I'm stuck in what often seems a nightmare; a low paying position with little hope of advancement.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
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